For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
You Might Also Like
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….