“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
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Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
🍞🦆
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
At least try to make it slightly believable
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.