Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
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friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I have many caverns
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES