I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
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Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.