I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
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Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Breaking news:
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same