It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
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Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Hey I worked for it too!
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!