I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
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How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁