The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
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Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
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Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?