Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
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Venn diagrams. You either love 鈥榚m or you hate 鈥榚m. Or you鈥檙e somewhere in the middle.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room馃槒
It鈥檚 weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she鈥檚 in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.