Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
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There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I told my vodka about you.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.