Cauliflower has a good publicist.
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I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job