Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
You Might Also Like
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.