no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
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Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Put this video in the Louvre
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.