They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
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Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry