Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
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I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.