If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
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Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I can also cook 😂
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song