Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
You Might Also Like
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks