“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
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my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.