I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
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Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I am patiently waiting for your email