never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
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The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.