Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
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Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies