If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them