My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
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You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Chemical wingman
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug