Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
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I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I am having an out of money experience.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.