For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
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When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
How it started How it’s going
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?