i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.