MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
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I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.