[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
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*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Life is a suicide mission.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.