Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
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Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.