I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
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I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
The days of good grammer has went