Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
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Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
See..?
.
Breaking news:
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?