Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
You Might Also Like
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.