Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
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When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Dance like you’re not the father
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.