Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
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I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
how to have fun when you’re poor
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
courtroom exchange of the day
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly