Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
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My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
figuring out my emotional availability:
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*