Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
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“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.