Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?