I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Spring cleaning checklist…
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad