I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
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When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
For the baby who has everything
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.