ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
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Room with a view.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus