Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
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me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Hot hot hot 🥵
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
October already? What’s next? November????
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.