Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
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*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women