Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
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a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.