Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
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Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Not now. I’m deglazing.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope