[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
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The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Practicing safe sax
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities