You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
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Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP