I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
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Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.