*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
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Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[montage of me giving-up]
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*