The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
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My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.