I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
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HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly